Monday, 31 August 2009

Journal - Day I left Austin to New York

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York


Going to NYC.

Sitting in Chicago airport.

Laid in bed last night - worries, fears, doubts. Apartment empty, possessions in bags. Prayed to God for sign. Looked under bed. Found missing documents for car that I needed in order to sell - GO! No fears, worries or doubts - if they come up, deal with them. I love her. Love being with her. She's sweet to me. Says the most amazing things (and some of the most fucked up bizarre). Will give it what I've got, do the best I can do. Won't hold back. Will trust her implicitly. If she breaks or abuses my heart, deal with it. If I have to leave, will go - stay in Brooklyn. Ecuador will be amazing - finish book. Thank God for that crazy fucking woman. May never have gotten out of Austin without her. The cord has been cut. Here we go. Delirium... feels great. Threw away extra clothes in Austin airport from bags that couldn't be checked. Needed that.

Prayed to God.

He said I was on the right track.


Sunday, 30 August 2009

Another Girl

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

This one will come off the top of my drunken head. Usually I edit a post two or three times. This one I'm simply gonna let rip, for better, or most likely worse. I used to do this when I was in College way back in the day (yes I went to College ((for a little while) you fucking assholes)). I would be really drunk thinking that I was writing the most amazing heartfelt thing that the world had ever heard or known, only to wake up hungover, read it, and want to vomit. Let's do it again. I only seem to learn the hard way.

I lost my place there for a second because I'm drunk, and I was eating Migas that I made myself. The Migas need more cheese I think, or something.

10 reasons that Marie may not want to come home from Upstate:

1- Because I told her last week at the yoga retreat Upstate that I had feelings for a girl that I worked with. There, I said it. Not as bad as it sounds - I'll explain later (and I think that I can justify this one - if I can hold the thought).

2- Because she's mad at me for having feelings for a girl that I work with (not as bad as it sounds, I swear to God, and plan to plead my case later on).

3- Because it's boring here. That's true. I've been here the whole time that she hasn't, and it's pretty boring here without her. The most exciting thing that I've done since she's been gone nearly a week is get drunk - which I did without premeditation or determination (maybe I'll tell you about that later too if I remember, but frankly, I'm not that concerned about telling you stuff right now.)

4- Because if she comes back she has to deal with us. And really, I think we can all agree, that's boring.

5- It's hot here.

6- Possibly some asshole like Tucker (Tucker, I don't meant that in a personal way, as I like you, really, but I mean it in more of a way that my girlfriend may rather have your company than mine, type of way, and I don't like that.) Or maybe there's some other douschebag up there that holds her interest more than mine right now - I get it, I'm not always so fucking fascinating.

7- I'm broke, depressive and lazy, and sometimes insecure. Who wants to hang out with a guy like that?

8- It's boring here with me. Did I say this already? Well, whatever, trust me, it's true. I've been here all week with me, and I'm pretty bored.

9- There's nothing to do when your broke.

10- Doing the same boring shit over and over again with the same person can get fucking boring.

So to explain any of the above aforementioned statements: the girl that I had "feelings" for was something that seemed to me natural and organic, and I felt like I did the right thing, by telling Marie. I told her last week at the yoga retreat that she was cooking at. Or more precisely, just before the retreat started. Maybe I told her because I found out when we got there that her past infatuation Tucker was going to be there, or maybe I just wanted to clear my conscience? Either way, I told her that I had feelings for a girl that I worked with who was smart, pretty, interesting, fun, and either attentive at times, or simply available. I wanted to tell Marie as it seemed like I was entering a gray area with the girl where the relationship wasn't defined (she and I would talk about relationships, problems and life) and I felt that I was developing feelings for her beyond the friendship level of connection. And I thought that I should tell Marie this, as I felt that, one: it would help to nip things in the bud; and two: I just wanted to let Marie know that she was the one I wanted to be with, and I wanted to give us the best chance possible. Maybe it's a bad sign that I had feelings for someone else? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything? Maybe I don't know what the fuck I'm doing? I've never had this happen before in a relationship. I tried to do the right thing. When I got back from Upstate I told the girl at a party for work that I had feelings for her, but that I loved Marie, and I that I wanted to be respectful of that.

Maybe Marie just needs some time away from us? Maybe I need some time away from us too (she's calling on Skype as I type - not answering).

Maybe I just needed to get drunk and write? I wasn't going to get drunk. But I've got justifications that I don't really want to get into right now... I'm tired. Good night.

* Or maybe she's mad because I wanted to go to Burning Man with my friends from Utah and didn't have any money and was going to use the voucher airline ticket that I gave her from when I got bumped coming back to New York from Utah last time?


Saturday, 29 August 2009

Please, Please, Baby, Baby, Come Back Home

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

"Please, please baby, baby, come back home. It's so cold and dark here all alone. If you come back, I promise I'll be good. If you come home baby, I'll act like I should." Dwight Yokam

To paraphrase Hank Williams the III: I don't need nobody to call me on the phone. I don't need no one to come by the home. Thinkin' of you is all I do. People can call or come by, I don't care what they do. I'm not payin' attention to what the hell they do, cuz baby, I'm only thinkin' of you. I'm not lonely, I'm just lonesome for you. I'm not blue, I'm just lonesome for you.

Marie, I miss you.
I need you.
New York City feels empty without you.
No one asks me how I'm doing but you.
No one asks me about my day but you.
No one touches my face but you.
No one runs their fingers through my hair but you.
This place doesn't feel like a home without you.
Marie, I love you.
There's no one to hold my hand without you.
There's no one to hold me at night without you.
There's no one who makes me feel the way you do.
I walk the streets alone without you, wondering what I'd do without you.
I lose my reference point without you.
There's no one waiting at home without you.
It's still life without you.
It's just not as full a life without you.
I love you.


Friday, 28 August 2009

Where's My Baby?

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

Before I go to bed at night I wonder where she is.
I restlessly search for her in my sleep.
When I wake I wonder where she's gone.
It seems as though the lights have been turned out in the City when she's not around.
She says she'll be back on Monday.
Then I'll see the light...


Monday, 24 August 2009

Welcome Back to New York City

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

Got off Trailways Bus at Port Authority after long weekend Upstate.
Got onto subway.
Smelled something strange.
Looked around.
Nobody else seemed to notice.
Saw giant shit on floor.

Welcome back to New York City...


Saturday, 22 August 2009

Tarot Reading: Waterfall House (Upstate)

Waterfall House, Middleburgh, New York

Tarot Reading

I’ve been through a whirlwind of emotion moving to New York.
Letting go of the past has opened up space for a new life to take root.
I have consciously been abstaining from different things in my life in order to gain clarity on what is important.
There are large reservoirs of emotion within me that are very powerful, that I have been keeping at bay, in part by my abstinence.
Once in a while I dip my finger into the emotion to taste it, allow it to circulate through me, and try to find a balance with it within me.
I am vulnerable, opening myself up to change.
I am attempting to redeem myself and reset my life through this process of change and through my writing.
I have to remember to stay humble in this process. I must be conscious of trying to be closer to GOD, not wanting something from GOD.
Part of this change is healing through sexuality; healing the pain of past sexual relationships, and some of the ways that I have explored sexuality that are not in line with my truth.
I am finding my truth.
My current relationship with Marie is part of finding that truth.
But I have to open up, trust, and be vulnerable with her.
I can channel the power of my sexuality and my desire for true intimacy with Marie to create magic between us.
I am finding a place of balance within me that recognizes and honors who I truly am.
It will manifest itself through my writing.
Others around me will recognize this and help to foster it.
I am grounded in all of this, but my feet are not yet on the ground.
I am protected in this process of reflection, change, and growth by the gatekeepers – the sentinels – of the underworld, my path lit by the moon, in my search through the darkness of self.
I need not fear, as only those who are true of heart and spirit can go with me on this journey.
I need not associate with those who will distract me from my truth.
I should associate with those who are ambitious, but not greedy, feed off of and emulate their drive.
I have fire and drive, but I need to see it done by someone else, then I can feed my work and keep the wheel of writing turning, manifesting.
The future is a house that is sturdy and well kept settling into place.
I must continue to keep, and tend to the house until it settles.

Marie and I have a powerful union.
I am resistant to the change that is taking place in the new design of our relationship, as its makeup is unfamiliar to me.
But I must remain open and vulnerable to the experience of the new with Marie, as we have something very strong together.
I simply have to LOVE Marie and honor her for who she is.
Others will see what we have and appreciate it.
I need alone time away from the relationship to gather my strength – 3 to 5 days at a time. At first Marie will not understand it and it will be painful for her.
But when I return, and she sees me, and when she sees what I bring back to her and the relationship, she will trust my leaving and see my beauty.


Sunday, 16 August 2009

Birthday Party - Couple Therpay

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

The party was at six. Sharp.

It was around noon when we finally got going. We had to pick up the air conditioner at Vincent's - Marie's friend - apartment near Chinatown, take the air conditioner back to our apartment back across the Williamsburg bridge, drive the car that we had (Molly and Marc's) to the Upper East side to drop with some friend of Molly's, then find Yoko - who's birthday it was - a present.



It can be done.

No problem.


On the way to get the air conditioner from Vincent Marie decides that she wants to get Yoko some oysters for lunch and drop them off at her work near Union Sq. She asks me what I think. I say that we have enough to do already. She says to drive faster.

We pick up the air conditioner then stop at a place near Chinatown to get the oysters. I wait in the car in a commercial zone while Marie runs in.


Then - of course - we need an oyster shucker to go with the oysters. Drop Marie on the sidewalk around the corner from Crate n' Barrel on Houston st. Then drive around the necessary one way blocks to be able to pull up across the street and wait for Marie, illegally parked in front of a hot dog vendor as the rain begins to come down. Crate n' Barrel didn't have the shucker. But thank the Lord above the sales clerk inside told Marie of an even more exclusive kitchen wares place in SOHO that most certainly would have a shucker.

Traffic stifling.

Horns blaring.

Rain pouring.

Marie says drive faster.


Drop oysters off at Fleurs Bella store on 11th where Yoko works - me too sometimes.




Rain coming down in sheets.

Make it to 97th and drop the car.


Want beer.

Find only 'real' looking bar in Upper East Side. Walk in. Mahogany. Brass. Guinness on tap. Good. No food. Okay. Tell bartender Guinness is close enough to food. We sit down and begin to read the Times that Marie somehow always has on her, each day, every day, everywhere. How decadent.

We have time.

It's only three.

A few minutes later the older Italian looking guy sitting next to us at the bar comes back in with an authentic Italian sub from a deli around the corner and presents it to me and Marie. Amazing. One of the best moments since I've been to New York. Genuine. Kind. Authentic. Strike up conversation with said older gentlemen. Turns out he's an actor. Thought he looked vaguely familiar. Had a feeling. Asked him if he was in The Sopranos. No. He was Louie in Ghostdog. God. Awesome. He was Ghostdog's retainer. Louie. He was in Ghostdog, the Jim Jarmusch film with the sifu in Chinatown that I want to train with. Since I've been in New York I've met Jim Jarmusch. Now Louie. The signs are all there: I need to study Shaolin Kung Fu with sifu in Chinatown.

We leave bar elated around 4.

We stop in oldtime drugstore / perfumery to look for gift.

Marie finds soaps and things.

I think we can do better.

We leave.

Walking, Marie decides that we need to get Yoko a bird. GREAT! Marie tells me tragic story of Yoko's Uncle killing her bird when she was a child. Yoko needs a bird.

Walk to subway on 69th and Lexington. Pee at Hunter College. Hop 6 train to Union Sq. Marie fondles my crotch under my shorts unbeknownst to other riders as I stand and she sits. Great.

At Union Square find Petco.


Marie looks at all the birds, asks me what I think and what the Petco bird helper employee thinks. Looks at all the birds again. Petco bird helper tells Marie bird should not come out of cage for at least three months until comfortable in new home. Marie disconcerted. I tell her we should get one, and if Yoko doesn't want it, we'll keep it.

She looks some more.


She looks some more.

She likes the Parakeets the best. Me too. I pick out one I like the best. Petco guy gets paperwork and net. We have to be at restaurant near Greewhich Village no later than 6:15. It's 5:30. Marie asks me what I think. I tell her we should get the bird. Am getting ansty. Girl from office has already sent two messages saying to PLEASE be on time in order to hold table (place takes no reservation - party must be present to keep table - no later than 6:15 to surprise Yoko). Told Marie earlier of time constraints. Marie hates constraints. Don't want to upset Marie, nor be task minder. Hate being in the middle. Marie asks me what I think of bird. I tell her to get the bird. She stares at birds trying to read their thoughts. Am getting frustrated. Tell her so and go outside. Five minutes later she blows by me in a huff on the sidewalk saying that we're not getting a bird, that she's getting a book, that we're not going to the party and that we'll meet up with Yoko later. She goes into bookstore. I wait outside. Confused. It's 5 to 6. Calls start coming from restaurant. Where are we? I say we're not coming. Don't know what is happening. Go inside bookstore to look for Marie. She's nowhere to be found. I go back outside. Get a call from girl five minutes later from restaurant saying Marie is on her way with Yoko. I'm furious. She left me. Fuck her. Fuck the party. Fuck this.

I go to bar where friend works near Union Sq. Sit down and get a beer. Am pissed. Friend's not there. Yoko texts. Where are you? Don't respond. Marie calls twice. Don't respond. Get another beer. Friend from work texts. Tells me to come. I tell him: Fuck Marie. I walk to corner store to get cigarettes. I just want a cigarette. Fuck that woman. She tells me: You can never leave me. That is the worst thing you can do to someone, is leave them. You can never do that to me. You can never do that to me no matter what. And what does she do? She leaves me standing on the corner with my fucking dick in the wind. Fuck her.

I go to Mars bar. Shit hole. Vomit on toilet in bathroom nearly makes me puke. Sit in corner looking out at the cars passing by. Wonder why put up with this shit. Think maybe I should go back to Texas. Texas feels lonely. Can't make it in New York right now without Marie's help. Can't stand the thought of her right now.

Go to bar where friend from Texas used to work. Girl behind bars knows him and gives me the second beer free. Guy at the end of the bar is from Austin and knows my dog that I left with my friend. He's seen the puppies that my dog and friends dog had together. Miss my dog.

Walk across Williamsburg bridge talking to friend on the phone from Texas. Don't think I can go back there. Want to jump off bridge.

Marie comes home. Doesn't say a word. Goes to bed.

In the morning she doesn't know what the problem is.

Makes me angrier.

We have to talk about it in therapy.

Therapist says that we have to "over" communicate with each other as we have an "assumption" problem and "communication" problem in the relationship. Marie figured I would show at the restaurant. Still doesn't see big deal. I figured Marie knew the time constraints, don't see big deal with getting frustrated and walking out of store. Each of assumes the other will respond how we would. Marie says she's committed to relationship. I say I'm not so sure. Therapist says I don't have all the facts to make a decision yet and have to give the relationship a set amount of time with no talk of leaving until then. Then evaluate. Okay - January. Therapist says I can't have one foot out the door and expect relationship to work. I think if she met my ex-wives she'd understand. Therapist tells Marie I am gift sent to work on communication, or something like that - good.


Both feet in.


Saturday, 1 August 2009


Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

We drove into the night out of the dreary rain soaked streets of Manhattan looking for a little peace and quiet, a little relaxation, and a little time alone. The house Upstate was three and half uncomfortable hours away in the car on wet moonlit roads winding through the dark forest. Every bone in my body ached. Every muscle screamed with each fidgeting adjustment in the seat as I tried to stay awake and keep my eyes on the road, Marie with her hand on my leg as the radio played to our thoughts. A half an hour to the house and I couldn't go anymore. I had to pull over. Marie drove. My body unwound.

It was around midnight as we dropped our bags on the floor of the empty house. Marc and Molly were out of the country. The house was ours alone. Marie put some water on for tea as I put a movie in and threw some blankets on the couch to cuddle up under.

Under the blankets nestled in together we held our cups of tea on our laps as the movie started. This was quality time. Just me and her. Precious. Rare. Simple. Beautiful. Warm and safe with my baby.

I was the first to go, the warm water spilling in my lap as the cup tipped over, jolting me up as Marie laughed and I tried to keep my eyes open. Just a little more quality time. A few minutes later Marie's cupped tipped over as she nodded off, me laughing as she woke to the water that covered us both. It was time for bed.

Quality time...


Steam Shower - Couple Therapy

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

I was at a birthday party Upstate for my boss at her house from the event company where I sometimes work wondering whether Marie was going to come and get me to spend the weekend with her at Bethany and Sebastian's house a few hours away where she was doing another cooking job, or whether I'd be going back to Manhattan the next day.

She showed.

For some reason I'd had the feeling that she wasn't going to - I think it was the tone of her voice on the phone when I'd called that morning - and felt that perhaps she was already tired of me.

Issues of fidelity began to float through my head.

When she showed up she lit me up from the inside.

And when everyone went to sleep we lay down with one another in the bedroom in the basement, reassuring each other of our love.

It was on her mind as well, infidelity.

But we were each others.



The words conjure up intense feelings and some dark memories for me. My wives, their infidelities; anger, resentment, hurt, pain and lies.

Fuck, I don't even know if it's possible to remain faithful to someone. But I know it hurts when someone's not.

Are open relationships better?

I don't know.

I know it's hard for me to transcend jealousy and possessiveness.

Is transcending these feelings a worthy goal? Does that make one an evolved person, or simply detached?

Or do jealousy and possessiveness exist for sound reasons? Like to protect something valued from being lost?

I don't know the answers to these things. I'm no fucking psychologist or evolutionary biologist.

I'm simply trying to figure it out as I go.

It's all a work in progress.

And sometimes it's difficult.

Maybe that's why guides to these things like, The Bible, stick around after all these years.



All I know is what experience has taught me: sex with love is better than without; and when someone you love has sex with someone else, it hurts.




I'm no saint. I'm human too. I've chased these things. And the only thing that I've learned is that reality is a lot more complicated than fantasy. Nothing is what it seems. And nothing comes for free... the devil always exacts his fee.

Fuck it man, the devil ain't got shit on me.

I'm in therapy...

The next day we went to Bethany and Sebastian's place and went straight to work cooking for a job that Marie'd taken catering a birthday party in Woodstock. Yoko came with us from the birthday party to help out. They were cooking. I was helping. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing in the kitchen and it all looked like geometry to me - I suck at geometry. But the gist of what I could figure out was that somehow the giant mountain of food that crushed the light out of the kitchen was going to be magically transformed into magnificent, alluring and appetizing dishes that would be shoveled down the throats of hungry party goers the next evening.

We were up til four in the morning trying to transform that mountain of stuff.

Up at seven in the morning we were on the road to Woodstock, where, once we arrived, we cooked for another seven hours or so with the help of Marie's French friend named Vincent, who happened to be in Woodstock over the weekend, who I went and picked up once the car was relieved of its burdensome load of food at the party.

By ten that night the party was over and we were heading for the night to a friend of Yoko's from the city who had a house in the woods just outside of Woodstock.

The whole fucking event had been a bit tense and slightly unpleasant, me feeling unappreciated by Marie and her often condescending tone. And Marie feeling like I didn't give a shit about any of it.

The guy wasn't there when we got to the house and Marie and I passed out from pure exhaustion, but not before Marie apologized for being coarse that day, explaining that she felt me create a distance from her and the whole event, and that it'd upset her, with me explaining that it was simple self protection (me pulling away and acting like I didn't give a shit) trying to avoid being cut by her lacerating tone.

In the morning the owner of the house, an older man from Luxembourg, and his young Japanese girl companion, Yoko, Marie and I had coffee and breakfast and read the paper before Marie, Yoko and I had to go back to the party house from the night before and pickup all the fucking dishes. As we sat reading the paper, somehow the idea of a steam shower was presented for me and Marie. I thought only for me and Marie. But twenty minutes later as Marie took off her clothes in the bathroom and stripped down to the nude, and I went to shut the door, Marie said to leave it open as the owner of the house was coming too.

Something inside of me froze as I watched Marie unclothe. The decision'd been made without my opinion. I felt slightly unnerved. I wasn't there. I wasn't important. I was secondary to the wishes of some man I'd known for less than a fucking hour. I opened the door a little bit shocked.

And we all took a steam shower.

Later when I broached the subject, Marie contended that it was nothing out of the norm, that is all above board, that it was simply "European" and that there was nothing to be concerned about. I contended that I'd been part of a voyeuristic peep show where my girlfriend was the main attraction.

I was upset and she was defensive.

And I let it go.

The next morning I left Upstate for work leaving Marie behind for a few days. And as I mulled over the steam shower and differing perspectives of what'd occurred an anger began to well up inside of me from deep down.

I had to get away.

I didn't want to get hurt again.

If I stayed, I would surely be hurt again. Marie would do what she wanted, regardless of me. And I would get hurt.

I was hurt.

I was angry and confused.

I didn't answer the phone when she called.

I didn't want to argue.

I needed to talk to someone.

I needed therapy.

My appointment with my therapist was the next day, and the day after that Marie and I would have our second couples session that she would be coming back to town for.

Somehow with the help of professionals we'd figure it all out.

The next day my therapist illuminated for me that I simply felt that Marie was inconsiderate towards me by not appreciating my effort to help her, culminating with, instead of a show of appreciation for my efforts, a shower with some naked old guy and his dong.

My therapist asked me not to make any big decisions for three weeks - while she was out of town - as I was obviously upset and not of clear mind.

I agreed, although I felt a strong urge to bolt.

The next day in our couples session I tried to explain all of this to Marie and her therapist, becoming quite fucking upset and animated at points, but not making much headway with my points. The therapist asked for me to consider (now I've got to consider shit, I thought!) that Marie was at least willing to engage in the process of change and self examination through therapy in an attempt to understand and better our relationship, and that even if we didn't see eye to eye on things right now, the door was open for change and adjustments. And that it could happen, we could get to a place of understanding, as after all, we both wanted the same thing: to be together. It just might take some time.

Duly noted, considered and appreciated.

Fine. Let's fucking move on.

We fought and argued after appointment about the exact nature of the steam shower - harmless or pornographic? - and she stated that she was no one's object (particularly not mine) and that she could do what she wanted with her body, including, I responded, allowing some old guy to objectify her. Brilliant.

Fuck it, women of the world. In the name of feminism allow yourselves to be objectified by random strangers, while decrying the "objectification" of a guy who loves you, not wanting strange men to view you as a sexual object.

What the fuck do I care?

I'll work it out.

I'm in therapy...