Sunday, 20 September 2009

Tarp Day

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

We are fast approaching the one year anniversary of consummating our relationship in a tarp, i.e. Tarp Day.

Marie figured this out the other day while looking at her calendar of work events from last year, and deduced that since the big Jewish wedding reception that we were both working on in Helotes, TX last year took place on the 11th of Oct., and didn't end until around midnight. It must have been in the early morning hours of the 12th that we stumbled drunkenly into that fateful little blue tarp next to the dumpster under the bright stars of Texas and consummated our relationship.

What does this mean?

Well, I think it means that on Oct 12th we will officially be a "couple" and that the name of the blog may have to be changed to: The Girl I'm "with" in New York.

As the dust is settling on our whirlwind romance, routine seems to be settling in, along with a few other things from the kingdom of coupledom, like a little more patience and understanding with each other. It almost feels like we are starting to "get" each other a little bit here. In fact, Marie commented today while we were walking to the bar to watch the Sunday football games (a very coupley thing to do), including the Jets game - as the Jets are our team (we have a team - also very coupley) - that it was nice not to be fighting with each other. In fact, just now while writing this I stopped for a moment to adjust my chair as it was too high, and Marie said that she was just thinking the same thing not twenty minutes ago (that my chair was too high), then commented that we were thinking alike and winked at me (very, very coupley).

What does all this mean?

I think it means that we're becoming a couple. And that I'm going to have to plan something nice for Tarp Day.


Sunday, 13 September 2009


Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

Las Vegas 12/30/08

Sign came - still letting the events settle, filter...

Sister called morning after argument with Marie and thoughts of going to Salt Lake City to see old friends.

Prayed to God to show me what to do.

Knelt down before the grand window framing the snow capped mountains in the distance with Utah on the other side after Marie left the room for work. A couple of hours later sister called with news of old friend shooting himself a few days before Christmas.

He was born on the same day as me. Lived down the street in High School. Had wondered weeks before when I was in New York with Marie for Thanksgiving whether he was still in Brooklyn - the last place I remembered hearing he was. Had hoped for a reunion of random chance in a bar in New York. Not to be. He'd moved to Santa Cruz. He had trouble with alcohol and cocaine. He'd lost job and girlfriend recently. He sat on a bridge for 12hrs. in the rain, then shot himself in the head. He left a note saying - I will no longer be a loser.

I know the feeling.

Got ticket to Salt Lake for the next day to be there for the memorial at a bar with old friends.

Made love that night to Marie. Beautiful, amazing, tender and sweet.

Seeing old friends felt like I'd been gone only five minutes. It had been ten years. Lots of love and old stories. Felt great to be home...

Missed Marie a lot. Thought about our argument nights before and what the fuck she meant for me to take from her statements - that I was nothing more than a concession? - that if I weren't there she'd probably be sleeping with the boy on the job from L.A.

Thought about infidelity and my past relationships. Both wives cheated. I'd thought about it, had opportunities, never followed through. Was cheating inevitable?

Thought about what I told Marie from the beginning - that I loved her, and that she could do what she wanted.

Does the truth lie somewhere between old insecurities of faithfulness and statement of love to Marie?

Marie said she could be faithful to me if that's what I needed, but that she thought infidelity could work if it was open, and not hidden. I don't know what I need. But I know that I don't need unnecessary pain from selfish acts with disregard to love... I've had enough of that.

Thought about not going back to Las Vegas but know I have to finish whatever has been started with Marie, as it is the most amazing, mysterious thing that's happened to me.

Let's just do this.

I will always have a home in Salt Lake City with people who love me. I can always go back if needed.

Marie and I, I believe, have something truly special.

Does truth about infidelity make it okay, or hurt less?

Does truth equal freedom or fear?

Can love conquer all?

Or is it simply crushed by selfishness and desire?

I don't know. But it feels like the only place I could be right now is with Marie.

I'm going to see this thing through no matter what it brings.

I hope she meets me halfway - she's fucking great.

Can we be true?


Wednesday, 9 September 2009


Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

Las Vegas, 12/25/09

Christmas Day. Gray and still. Marie gave me journal as gift.

Conversation with Marie at restaurant on the outskirts of town over bottle of wine brings up old unsettled wounds. She realizes that she has struck a nerve as she goes outside for a smoke. When she comes back in she stops behind my chair, shakes my head back and forth, and says, "that's what you need, isn't it? To be shaken up. Someone needs to shake you up." She leans in and kisses me in a conciliatory fashion and I tell her that she already has.

I try to let it go, as I love her.

But the wounds run deep.

I decide that I have to write something - finish my book - to shut everyone up. I tell her this as we walk into the movie and she gives me a wary glance.

I love her.


Tuesday, 1 September 2009

The Other Girl - Therapy

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

Our therapist said today that I left the door open for the other girl to step in. That I invited the attention and that I had to make it clear with women that I I'm in a relationship - Black and White. There's no gray area.

She's right.

There's no room for gray area in this city. It's one giant meat market out there.

And didn't I think that it was ironic, the therapist asked, that I was the one flirting with disaster, when I'm the one so concerned about that happening to me?

I do think that it's ironic. I also said that I think it's ironic that Marie was now the one waving the monogamy flag after making me feel somewhat prude and conventional in the beginning of the relationship with my antiquated ideas of fidelity.

Oh, the irony of it all!

We're both learning from, and teaching each other so much... She's teaching me how to love. And I'm teaching her how to be a fucking hypocrite - but I did nip it in the bud (now I simply have to be clear with all the women of New York: I'm a taken man... sound of hearts breaking and tears in the background).

I have to admit that it was nice to see Marie squirm a little on the couch (yeah, I'm an asshole, but sometimes it's nice to know that the other person really cares - she's not always a gusher with her feelings). There's probably a psychiatric term for all of this (and it's probably not a nice term for me), and seemingly boils down to this: flirt, or lead someone on to let mate know that you're a valuable commodity, only to leave door open too long causing uncomfortable awkwardness for all involved, having door swing back and smack you in the face. I think "dickhead" is the psychiatric term I'm looking for. Yeah, I think that fits.

But seriously, you've really got to be on your game up here in New York. This city seems like one big bar set up to help facilitate the tryst, whatever that tryst may be.

In all sincerity, it all just makes me appreciate Marie even more for her magnanimous understanding and undeterred devotion. I don't know if I'd be so gracious. She's quite something.

And I feel lame.