It Was a Good Night

Willliamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

Marie texts from work around 4 in the afternoon asking if I want to catch a movie at 5. Of course. I'm on Bedford getting a bagel. Cold and hungry, running errands (deodorant, hair gel, socks, laundry) but not tired, feelin' slightly rested from last few days off. Eat most of bagel on way back to the apartment. Stop to pick up brown leather jacket (Andrew Marc for NYC - nice) from dry cleaner, that I got at the thrift store the other night for $40 that needed buttons fixed, along with Armani shirt for $6 that needed dry cleaning. Found brand new jeans $25 (tags still on them, list price $75) cost of new outfit = $71 + cost of buttons being sewn back on and shirt being dry cleaned = $80. Going out on the town with woman, lookin' fuckin' good man = priceless.

By the time I get home, jump into new outfit, google train route to Anjelika on Houston and finish bagel I'm running late according to google estimated time of travel. Rush out the door towards the JMZ on Marcey around the corner from the apartment. Cold out. Very cold out. Very badly want warm clothes that are in boxes in Utah UPS office (note to self to figure that fucking situation out tomorrow). Realize I'm not gonna make it in time on the train. Walk back towards on ramp to Williamsburg bridge. Hop cab. Cruising in the backseat of the cab across the bridge, staring out over the darkening panorama of the city skyline. Euphoria overcomes me. I feel electric. I love this fuckin' city.

Cab ride = $13. Worth every fucking cent.

Make it to Angelika right on time. Marie is reading the Times inside waiting for me. Her friend Jen is parking the car. Jen shows up and we go to see "Capitalism: A Love Story."

We all feel like peasants after the show.

Afterward we go to pick up Yoko. We find her standing on the corner in SOHO. We pull up next to her. She's shocked to see me - thought Marie and I'd broken up.

While we wait for a table at the small Italian place in Greenwhich I browse the bookstore next door, buy "Bright Lights Big City" off the sale rack outside = $6.

I find Yoko and Marie at the jewelry store one door down. Jen is nowhere around. Marie and Yoko try on rings while I read in a rocking chair towards the back. Marie finds a ring she likes. Yoko calls my name hinting to get my wallet out. They laugh. I pretend not to notice. Marie tells Yoko that I'm upset that she doesn't have the first ring that I bought her. She left it Upstate the weekend she kissed that guy. She still doesn't have it. It does hurt my feelings.

Our table should be ready.

We leave the store. Marie shows me a children's book about Texas on the rack outside the bookstore as we pass by. Jen reappears. Yoko and Jen go into the restaurant as Marie tells me that there are ranches in Texas bigger than Belgium. I think how nice it would be to go home for Thanksgiving. I tell Marie that I'm going to buy her the book so that she can learn about Texas in case we go home for the holidays. She laughs. I tell her I'll meet her at the restaurant.

I go back to the jewelry store and buy her the ring, despite my hurt feelings about other ring.

When I get to the restaurant she wants to know where the book is. I pull the ring box out my pocket, set it on the table. "What is this," she wants to know? I tell her to open it. Yoko gives me a high five.

Over dinner Yoko tells me that she's read a few posts from the blog and that I got something wrong on the post about when I missed her birthday dinner. Her uncle did not kill her bird and that I need to change that, as she felt bad for the reputation of her uncle when she read it (he recently passed on, and she does not want his memory tarnished - I understand and tell her that I will correct the error). In fact, nobody killed bird. When she was one she says she remembers (yes one - she has a very good memory) her brother eating a chicken wing. She wanted to know what it was that he was eating. He didn't have the words for it, so he pointed to the birds they had in the cage as pets. She was traumatized.

Dinner is amazing. I have the best dish - Tortellini special of the night. We all eat off each others plates. I take all their leftovers home. I have chocolate mouse for desert. Marie has tiramisu. I eat half of it.

After dinner I drive Jen's car as her and Yoko shared a bottle of wine. Tea for me and Marie - no more drinking. Jay-Z's new song Empire State Of Mind plays on the radio. It's the New York anthem. I turn it up. We cruise the streets that he sings about, the city that will make you feel brand new, under the lights that will inspire you. The city that never sleeps. The city that will make you feel famous. No place in the world can compare. Put your lighters in the air. Everybody say yeah. There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York. Let's hear it for New York... as Yoko says from the backseat, "I never would have imagined this scenario a week ago."

Let's hear it for New York...

LOve

Journal - Day I left Austin to New York

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

1-28-09

Going to NYC.

Sitting in Chicago airport.

Laid in bed last night - worries, fears, doubts. Apartment empty, possessions in bags. Prayed to God for sign. Looked under bed. Found missing documents for car that I needed in order to sell - GO! No fears, worries or doubts - if they come up, deal with them. I love her. Love being with her. She's sweet to me. Says the most amazing things (and some of the most fucked up bizarre). Will give it what I've got, do the best I can do. Won't hold back. Will trust her implicitly. If she breaks or abuses my heart, deal with it. If I have to leave, will go - stay in Brooklyn. Ecuador will be amazing - finish book. Thank God for that crazy fucking woman. May never have gotten out of Austin without her. The cord has been cut. Here we go. Delirium... feels great. Threw away extra clothes in Austin airport from bags that couldn't be checked. Needed that.

Prayed to God.

He said I was on the right track.

LOve

Please, Please, Baby, Baby, Come Back Home

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

"Please, please baby, baby, come back home. It's so cold and dark here all alone. If you come back, I promise I'll be good. If you come home baby, I'll act like I should." Dwight Yokam

To paraphrase Hank Williams the III: I don't need nobody to call me on the phone. I don't need no one to come by the home. Thinkin' of you is all I do. People can call or come by, I don't care what they do. I'm not payin' attention to what the hell they do, cuz baby, I'm only thinkin' of you. I'm not lonely, I'm just lonesome for you. I'm not blue, I'm just lonesome for you.

Marie, I miss you.
I need you.
New York City feels empty without you.
No one asks me how I'm doing but you.
No one asks me about my day but you.
No one touches my face but you.
No one runs their fingers through my hair but you.
This place doesn't feel like a home without you.
Marie, I love you.
There's no one to hold my hand without you.
There's no one to hold me at night without you.
There's no one who makes me feel the way you do.
I walk the streets alone without you, wondering what I'd do without you.
I lose my reference point without you.
There's no one waiting at home without you.
It's still life without you.
It's just not as full a life without you.
I love you.

LOve

Where's My Baby?

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

Before I go to bed at night I wonder where she is.
I restlessly search for her in my sleep.
When I wake I wonder where she's gone.
It seems as though the lights have been turned out in the City when she's not around.
She says she'll be back on Monday.
Then I'll see the light...

LOve

Welcome Back to New York City

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

Got off Trailways Bus at Port Authority after long weekend Upstate.
Got onto subway.
Smelled something strange.
Looked around.
Nobody else seemed to notice.
Saw giant shit on floor.

Welcome back to New York City...

LOve

Tarot Reading: Waterfall House (Upstate)

Waterfall House, Middleburgh, New York

Tarot Reading

I’ve been through a whirlwind of emotion moving to New York.
Letting go of the past has opened up space for a new life to take root.
I have consciously been abstaining from different things in my life in order to gain clarity on what is important.
There are large reservoirs of emotion within me that are very powerful, that I have been keeping at bay, in part by my abstinence.
Once in a while I dip my finger into the emotion to taste it, allow it to circulate through me, and try to find a balance with it within me.
I am vulnerable, opening myself up to change.
I am attempting to redeem myself and reset my life through this process of change and through my writing.
I have to remember to stay humble in this process. I must be conscious of trying to be closer to GOD, not wanting something from GOD.
Part of this change is healing through sexuality; healing the pain of past sexual relationships, and some of the ways that I have explored sexuality that are not in line with my truth.
I am finding my truth.
My current relationship with Marie is part of finding that truth.
But I have to open up, trust, and be vulnerable with her.
I can channel the power of my sexuality and my desire for true intimacy with Marie to create magic between us.
I am finding a place of balance within me that recognizes and honors who I truly am.
It will manifest itself through my writing.
Others around me will recognize this and help to foster it.
I am grounded in all of this, but my feet are not yet on the ground.
I am protected in this process of reflection, change, and growth by the gatekeepers – the sentinels – of the underworld, my path lit by the moon, in my search through the darkness of self.
I need not fear, as only those who are true of heart and spirit can go with me on this journey.
I need not associate with those who will distract me from my truth.
I should associate with those who are ambitious, but not greedy, feed off of and emulate their drive.
I have fire and drive, but I need to see it done by someone else, then I can feed my work and keep the wheel of writing turning, manifesting.
The future is a house that is sturdy and well kept settling into place.
I must continue to keep, and tend to the house until it settles.

Marie and I have a powerful union.
I am resistant to the change that is taking place in the new design of our relationship, as its makeup is unfamiliar to me.
But I must remain open and vulnerable to the experience of the new with Marie, as we have something very strong together.
I simply have to LOVE Marie and honor her for who she is.
Others will see what we have and appreciate it.
I need alone time away from the relationship to gather my strength – 3 to 5 days at a time. At first Marie will not understand it and it will be painful for her.
But when I return, and she sees me, and when she sees what I bring back to her and the relationship, she will trust my leaving and see my beauty.

LOve

Tired

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

We drove into the night out of the dreary rain soaked streets of Manhattan looking for a little peace and quiet, a little relaxation, and a little time alone. The house Upstate was three and half uncomfortable hours away in the car on wet moonlit roads winding through the dark forest. Every bone in my body ached. Every muscle screamed with each fidgeting adjustment in the seat as I tried to stay awake and keep my eyes on the road, Marie with her hand on my leg as the radio played to our thoughts. A half an hour to the house and I couldn't go anymore. I had to pull over. Marie drove. My body unwound.

It was around midnight as we dropped our bags on the floor of the empty house. Marc and Molly were out of the country. The house was ours alone. Marie put some water on for tea as I put a movie in and threw some blankets on the couch to cuddle up under.

Under the blankets nestled in together we held our cups of tea on our laps as the movie started. This was quality time. Just me and her. Precious. Rare. Simple. Beautiful. Warm and safe with my baby.

I was the first to go, the warm water spilling in my lap as the cup tipped over, jolting me up as Marie laughed and I tried to keep my eyes open. Just a little more quality time. A few minutes later Marie's cupped tipped over as she nodded off, me laughing as she woke to the water that covered us both. It was time for bed.

Quality time...

Love