Here we are four months later in Ecuador, somewhere along what the locals call the ¨Playa del Sol¨. I´ve got another post that I`ve been meaning to put up for the last couple of days but there´s no wireless where we are and I didn´t bring my computer with me today to the only spot along the beach that has internet. The post that I have on my computer will finish up the courtship in Texas and the rose colored glasses that I´d been looking through. And after I´d posted that I had planned on jumping into the real time - today - and the piss and shit of the relationship, but necessity brought me to the computer unprepared. So I´ll jump right in.
The courtship is over, and possibly the romance as well. Who knows? She´s tired of dealing with my quirks and demands, and I´m tired of dealing with hers. She can be sweet as hell and amazingly generous, but she can be a real pain in the ass as well - I´m sure I can too. We each have our issues - that´s become evident. Shit, even the tarot card reader who she saw in L.A. a few weeks before we came here knew that I had trust issues, and that she had freedom issues that have affected relationships in her past (she said she didn´t know what the tarot reader was talking about in that respect...). So here we are in the middle of nowhere, knee deep in it - the shit. She says she doesn`t want to fight until after her birthday on the 12th of Feb., which also means that she doesn´t want to talk about anything either, which would be fine if there weren´t ever things in a relationship that needed to be talked about. I´ve tried to adhere to this wish since she made it a little over two weeks ago, just before I moved to New York to live with her. It´s been difficult, but I´ve tried. It´s been especially difficult since she feels the overwhelmingly powerful need to say anything that she wants to, whenever she wants to, without the slightest protest or reproach from anyone - especially me - as she feels that any sort of protest or reproach or request for clarification infringe on her personal freedoms and are viewed as ¨confining¨. So I´ve bitten my tongue the best I could, which is difficult for me, as I want to talk about everything, always. Who´d of guessed that we´d come to an impasse with this arrangement?
Things did come to a head one night in New York after we´d been drinking and she dragged me to an all black club to dance - which meant that she danced and flirted with whomever she wanted all night (she doesn´t like to dance with people she´s with in a romantic sense for some reason she said later - she probably feels that's confining as well?) while I tried not to get fucked up by the three big brothers behind me who´d been eying my neck tattoos all night long. On top of that I got the nod of disrespect - like the: I got your girl white boy! kinda nod - from the guy she`d been dancing with and flirting with most of the night. Needless to say I wanted to leave. And when I told her so (a little upset) she felt like she was being "confined and controlled". So I left her there and walked to a friends bar, got shit faced and slept outside near a stoop until she called my phone in the afternoon telling me to come home.
So there was that.
I can´t say that I did see something like that coming as the night before I was to leave to New York she called me drunk at 5:30 in the morning saying that she was in a cab on the way home from that same black club and that a couple of "beautiful black guys" (her words) had pulled up in front of her in a beautiful car while she smoked a cigarette on the sidewalk in Manhattan, and that she´d gone with them to the club and that she lost them inside, but that she got hit on all night long, that guys had tried to kiss her, and that it was the first time that she´d ever declined or resisted those sorts of advances while she was in a relationship with someone. And she asked me if I had a problem with that? She hoped I didn´t... I don´t know if she wanted me to feel flattered that I'd been the cause of her response, but either way, I can´t say that the call was reassuring on the night before moving half way across the country. But what the fuck was I supposed to do? I´d already sold everything that I owned, had my bags packed on the floor with the clothes that I didn´t give or throw away; I´d notified my apartment people that I was leaving; and I´d signed a contract to sell my car to a guy over the next year. I wasn´t exactly standing on solid ground. So I kept my mouth shut and went for it with a whole lot of faith and a shit load of nerves in my stomach.
And here I am in a third world country with $27.00 in my bank account (I still haven´t received any funds on my car - besides the initial $160 that the guy forked over that got me to New York - that was supposed to get me through down here). So I´ve been living off the kindness and generosity of Marie since we got here, feeling a bit like a parasite, and not really feeling like I´m in a position to voice an opinion about anything, which I made the mistake of doing last night. And all I said was that I didn´t want to hear about other guys anymore. For some reason she likes to tell me how she finds other men attractive - black men (I had to hear about that subject three or four times while we were in New York in the week before we got here (specifically how she had slept with them, referring to a question of whether or not she had sex with black men that a gay friend of hers had asked her in reference to her wooden phallic pieces on her bookshelf); movie stars that haunted bars that she took me to in Manhattan that she´d like to make out with; Sam Shepherd over and over again, about how he liked her ass in a club one night; men around the neighborhood where she lived that she´d made out with; and references to men that she´d slept with. None of this did I make a peep to, except for the day after the black night club incident when I tried to explain to her that I had a bit of sore spot with women I cared about sleeping with black guys as my first wife had had her fair share of infidelities with black men while we were married (possibly the entire Wu-Tang Clan - excluding Ol´Dirty Bastard (RIP lil' baby jesus) and The Rza - as they didn´t make the trip)). To which she responded that I was insecure. That is probably partially true, but I think I´ve held up fairly well under the circumstances.
And so it was nice when we first got here to Ecuador and it was just the two of us and there were no men for her to ogle as most of the men that we came across in Ecuador our first week were very indigenous looking (not attracted to indigenous looking) and not much sexual competition, until two nights ago when we got invited out to a house party on the coast and she informed me that she thought every man there was good looking. And I thought about that for a day or so and had pretty much decided that I didn´t want to hear about other guys anymore - similar to what she'd said to me just before I left Austin when I mentioned that a girl had invited me out drinking one night (an attractive girl that was throwing me the vibe) and that I´d declined because I´d rather be with her, Marie. In response to that she told me that she didn´t want to hear about other girls anymore.
So last night when I was awaken from a dream by her and she asked me what I was dreaming about and I mentioned something about the actress Chloe Sevigny in my dream, and I´d forgotten that I´d mentioned Chloe's name the week before telling Marie about a guy I knew who claimed he got hit on by her at a bar in New York City one night. Marie asked me if I had a crush on Chloe, and I thought about it for a second and said that it was possible. And I said that she could have all of her man crushes and that I´d have my one - Chloe. She said that I was insecure again. She said that no other man that she´d ever been with had ever had a problem with her talking about other men. That I was the only one. I guess I am insecure. And I told her in that case that I didn´t want to hear anymore about other men.
And that set it off.
She says I´m insecure and jealous and that she feels "confined". I say that she can fuck off... now, if I could just figure out how to get out of here.