Sunday, 25 October 2009

Where Do We Go From Here?

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

I came home from work to find her drinking wine and eating dumplings down the street from our apartment with a friend of hers at the Chinese restaurant - our restaurant. She looked as though she'd been crying. I felt horrible when I saw her. She looked a mess. I'd told her on the phone earlier while I was working that I couldn't do it anymore. I'd tried to bring it up with her a few nights before. She said she couldn't hear it. She didn't want to hear it. She said that she couldn't handle it.

When I sat down at the bar she started crying and started to walk outside as the guy behind the bar watched her with concern. I tried to grab her arm as she passed by. She pulled away and I followed her out. On the bench out front she pulled away from me as I tried to hold her, give her comfort. It hurt me to see her that way. I care about her whether she believes it or not.

She said that I wasn't leaving her with next months rent to pay by herself, that even a roommate would have more decency than me. I asked her if that's what it was about to her - money. She told me that she felt used.

I went back inside and sat at the bar. She came back in and said that she felt taken advantage of. We argued. Her friend intervened. I asked Marie if she truly felt like I'd used her somehow. She rolled her eyes in her signature fashion when she wanted to dismiss something that I'd said. I told her she could fuck off, that I'd been decent to her, and got up and left.

I started packing when I got to the apartment. I wasn't going to stay around for more abuse.

She came in, saw my bags on the floor by the door and began crying. As I packed the rest of my things she got a beer out of the fridge, turned the music up loud to drown out the world, and began to storm around the apartment trying to avoid me. I asked her to talk to me. She sat on the couch and stared at me coldly. I asked her what we should do. She got up and walked to the other room.

There was no talking it out.

I put my bags in the hallway as she followed me to the door and asked me where I was going. I didn't know. I had nowhere to go. I handed her the keys to the apartment. She kissed me on the cheek, wished me luck and shut the door.

I had the keys to the shop at work and spent the night on the cold concrete floor.


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