Sunday, 25 October 2009

I Don't Know How To Do This Anymore

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

Sitting in the coffee shop after work looking for rooms to rent on Craigslist.
Boss at work advanced me some money on next check.

Hadn't slept much the night before.
She called twenty seven times the night before.
Ringer was off.
She'd left eight messages, crying.
Said she didn't know I was planning on leaving that day.
I hadn't.
There was no talking it out.

It was dark, getting late out, wind was blowing, cold, starting to rain.
Worked all day.
Drinking coffee.
She text asking if I wanted food.
Said I didn't think that it was a good idea.
Boss had taken keys to office.
Was waiting for friend to get off of work to stay at his place.
I waited.
She text again, saying she wanted to talk, would buy food.
I waited.
I told her to come to where I was.

She walked in looking like a mourner with her shawl wrapped around her head.
She was fragile.
We talked and ate.
I tried to explain everything to her.
I needed her to hear.
She said that she got it, that she was willing to stop drinking, get help, to give the relationship a chance.
I said that I would do it with her.
She told me to come home.

In the black cab she said that she didn't feel supported.
That hurt.
We argued.
When we got to the apartment I felt like I was going crazy, couldn't breath.
Head and body ached.
Just wanted to sleep.
She held me as we lay in bed...


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