Monday, 28 June 2010

I Don't See You

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

"You're like see through. I don't see you. I don't need you." DIE ANTWOORD

"Why do you torture yourself?" she asked as I lay there digging through the pain.
"Because I've been cut too deep," I said.
"You get what you ask for."

She doesn't call. She doesn't call. She doesn't call...

I haven't slept. I toss in the darkness. The apartment is a cage. Sirens blaze by outside the windows. Images flash through my mind. I try to push them away, bury them. I've sweated through the sheets. I push them off the bed. My skin burns. I get up. I pace the shotgun rooms. I want to break something. I want it to end. I picture throwing the television out the fucking window. My head throbs. I knock the fucking lamp over. Sparks shower the floor. I feel sick. I lay down on the couch. It's impossible. I'm shaking. Something pulses from my gut through my body to the tips of my fingers. I need to get out of here. My arms are tingling as I flex my hands over and over again. My teeth grind. The TV is on but all I hear is screaming fucking noise. I picture putting my fist through the screen. I get up and turn it off. I can smell my own stench. I unclench and clench my fists. There is an indefinable ache in the center of my mind. I'm full of venom. The fans twist. The AC pushes stale air. I have nowhere to go.

I cried when she found my pain today. Afterward I spit up blood on the sidewalk as the sun died behind the skyscrapers. What are you staring at? I'll fuckin' hurt you. He slowly looked away. The dead fish rotted in the heat. The pain in my gut rose, called out for attention as I walked aimlessly through the crowded streets searching for the subway.

The tunnels dripped the sweat of thousands of burnt out lives. The air was a damp shroud. People yelled, knocking into each other in the suffocating bowels.

Dazed, I stared lost, at a little girl, quiet in the stroller, as her mother brushed the damp hair out of her moist eyes trying to balance herself as the train rocked back and forth. The rails screeched to halt. I got out. I had no idea where I was.

She isn't home. I try to call. Nothing. I want to break something. My head aches. I wait and I wait. It's late. She's not coming. I push the fears away. It's him. I sweat in the darkness. It's okay.The sirens wail. The dogs howl below. Let it go. It's not what you think. Fuck. It's a full moon out. I have to get out of here. I have nowhere to go.

The phone rings. I hear some guy laughing in the background say her name. The tension snaps. I'll break something. I'll fucking break this...

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