Monday, 20 July 2009

Hey New York!

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

A shout out (or at - whatever the fuck ya wanna call it) to New York City after a long day of hard work lifting heavy steel objects, sweating, throwing my back out, smashing my fingers, toes and shins and driving from Brooklyn to Jersey and back again in a 20' truck...

First off, the shittiest drivers on the planet are all here in this fuckin' city. I take that back, I had that one amazing cab driver of unknown Persian persuasion on one of my initial trips up here to visit my lady who got me from Midtown Manhattan to JFK in like five minutes flat in complete and utter control of the road and his piece of shit car the whole goddamned way as we blew threw traffic. That guy was fucking amazing! I hope he wins the Daytona 500. EVERYONE ELSE SUCKS. You all suck! You stop in the intersection! You stop in the middle of the road! You stop when you're supposed to go and you go when you're supposed to stop! You cut people off! You don't use your blinkers when you're supposed to, and you leave them on when you're not supposed to. You move to the right lane, then to the left lane again, then back to the right again, then to the left lane again, then you slow down to a crawl, then you speed up with no rhyme or reason. You have no fucking clue what the fuck you are doing or where you are going! You put on your left blinker, then you turn right! Amazing... You sit at green lights waiting for Jesus to come, then blow through red lights like you're running from the Devil! And you honk! You honk and you honk and you honk! Unfuckingbelievable - you're still not going anywhere! No one is! We're all stuck in this fucking nightmare quagmire together! Get over it!

I wish that the city would put me in charge of enforcing the no honking law. I would speed through New York City traffic all day and all night long in a turbocharged traffic scooter thingymabob slapping tickets on the windshields of jackhole motorists with a reckless fucking abandon and glee. That would make me happy. It would make me very happy.

It seems that every shithead on the planet that either couldn't, or never attempted to drive in their home country migrated here and immediately got behind the fucking wheel of an automobile. A thought to all of you immigrants behind the wheel: GO TO FUCKING DRIVING SCHOOL!!!! In fact, in order for anyone to get a green card anymore in this country they should have to pass a driving test rather than an English aptitude test. I would much rather have all you newbies from all over the globe be able to drive as opposed to speak, because I can't understand what the fuck you're trying to say anyway. Just shut it and learn how to drive.

Also, on the topic of people from other countries, just because you came from a different country or culture doesn't mean that you are interesting or unique. In fact, it seems to be the opposite. It seems that all the dickheads, shitfaces, and fuckups from all over the world came here in droves. Oh yeah, and you're country's not that fucking great - if it was, you would have stayed there. So get over yourself your homeland. It sucks just as much as you do. Just because you were big shit Kurdistan doesn't mean dick here. Get over it.

Don't get me wrong, there are some pretty cool foreigners here, but at about the same ratio of cool people to shitheads as in High School - about 1 cool person to every 100 or so intolerable fucking assholes.

So here's to those 99 assholes that seem to make up the populace of every group on the planet...

To the Puerto Ricans: Nobody gives a shit about Puerto Rico but you. And your music sucks.

To Puerto Rican women in particular: That shrieking noise you make when you yell at someone is one of the most ball shriveling noises on the planet.

To older Puerto Rican men: Once you're over forty, you are not a thug - you're just old.

To the Russian mobsters: Listening to Hip Hop does not make you look more intimidating, in fact it makes you look like a 15 year old white kid from Iowa.

To the preppy yuppies: My boxers hung out the bottom of my shorts when I was 16 - you're still doing it you fuck tool.

To the Hassidic Jews: You remind me of the Amish - Fucking Boring.

To the Williamsburg hipsters: Just because you dress like a fucking jackass doesn't make you either interesting or cool. In fact, odds are, you're just a total fucking jackass who dresses shitty, you tool.

To all you young chicks: Your style makes you look like a totally unfuckable pilled out middle aged loser of a mom from the seventies - what a waste. There's no future for you. You're already played out.

To all the young fags: Just because you dress like a total fucking jackass doesn't mean you aren't still just a fucking fag.

To all the black guys: Hip Hop is dead... it died with Ol' Dirty Bastard in the studio with those hookers and all that blow (RIP Little Baby Jesus).

To all the fucking places that don't take credit cards: It's the Twenty First fucking century, or some shit like that. What's the fucking problem?

To all you rich fucking cunts out there: Guess what? I go as fast in my behemoth 20' truck as you'll ever go in this fucking city in your fucking Ferrari or Lamborghini - you asshole. I hope you all crash into telephone polls.

To all the Union workers: You work like a bunch of peg legged homeless women in skirts. Grow a pair of nuts!

To all you agents out there who won't represent my book: I hope the publishing industry crumbles around your ears! I don't fucking need you. I'll represent myself. Kiss my ass.

To all you New Agers with feathers in your head: If the Indians were so fucking smart they wouldn't be relegated to Reservations swillin' Thunderbird.

To all the kid bands from Brooklyn: You've got no balls.

To all the queers and women who seem to run this city: You've got no soul.

To all you big business tycoons: I never see you. Let's keep it that way. You seem like assholes too.

To all the women of New York: You all obviously need a good hard fucking! That's okay. In fact, I like that about you!

To all of you who I forgot on this one: I'll getchya on the next one... much love.

To my woman: I love ya... you're the best one in this fucking cultural miss mashed mess of over urbanization, sprawling egos, raging insecurities and complete dumbfuckery.

And to any of you who took any offense to any of this: Suck me off you cockblown fuckfaces. Like Joan Jett said, "I don't give a damn about my reputation! I never said I wanted to improve my station."

Fuck off...


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