DEPRESSION

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

BEEN HAVING STRONG HOMESICKNESS LATELY FOR TEXAS. MADE DINNER THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW OFF OF HOMESICK TEXAN RECIPE BLOG. WANTING TO LIVE IN AN AIRSTREAM TRAILER IN THE WIDE OPEN SPACES OF MARFA, TEXAS AWAY FROM ALL THESE SALLOW PEOPLE. ALWAYS THINKIN' THE GRASS IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE. MY PERPETUAL STATE OF BEING. IS IT EVER BETTER ANYWHERE ELSE? DO CERTAIN PEOPLE DO BETTER IN DIFFERENT ENVIRONMENTS? OR IS IT ALL IN THE HEAD? FEELIN' DEPRESSED FOR SAME OLD NAGGING REASONS OF WANTING A TRANQUIL AND PEACEFUL, YET INTERESTING LIFE DOING SOMETHING THAT SEEMS MEANINGFUL. ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE A MIRAGE IN A FAR OFF FUTURE. MARIE SAYS ATTITUDE IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN CHANGE. KNOW SHE'S RIGHT. TRY, BUT DEPRESSION SEEMS TO BE MY DEFAULT. WHY? WORRIED ABOUT RUNNING HER OFF. THINK I SHOULD GO BACK ON MEDICATION. BEEN TWO YEARS NOW. DON'T FEEL MUCH DIFFERENT. DON'T LIKE FEELING THIS DOWN. SOMETHING ABOUT THE CITY SEEMS TO EXACERBATE IT, I THINK? SEEMS TO BE WORSE HERE. A FRACTURED SENSE OF DETACHMENT REFLECTED IN THE COLD HARD STARES OFF THE WAVES OF PASSING PEOPLE SURROUNDED BY LIVING TOMBS OF STONE. FELT FRUSTRATED IN AUSTIN, BUT NOT THE DARK DEPRESSIONS THAT I SEEM TO GET HERE. DIDN'T FEEL THIS WAY IN ECUADOR. DIDN'T FEEL THIS WAY IN PARIS. DON'T SEEM TO BE CUT OUT FOR THIS GROWN UP WORK WORLD OF GOIN' THROUGH THE MOTIONS SHIT. FEEL LIKE MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE HAS CONSISTED OF ME FLAILING THROUGH, TRYING TO GET A FINGER HOLD, HANGING ON ONLY TO THROW MY HANDS UP IN THE AIR IN DISGUST, LET IT ALL FALL TO PIECES, THEN PICK IT BACK UP AGAIN. GETS TIRESOME. THIS IS MY LATEST INCARNATION - GAUNT DEPRESSED CITY DWELLER. IS THIS THE GOOD LIFE? AM I LIVIN' IT? AM I IN LINE WITH MY DESTINY? MEDICATION? WHATEVER...

LOVE