Jouranal

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York

Las Vegas 12/30/08

Sign came - still letting the events settle, filter...

Sister called morning after argument with Marie and thoughts of going to Salt Lake City to see old friends.

Prayed to God to show me what to do.

Knelt down before the grand window framing the snow capped mountains in the distance with Utah on the other side after Marie left the room for work. A couple of hours later sister called with news of old friend shooting himself a few days before Christmas.

He was born on the same day as me. Lived down the street in High School. Had wondered weeks before when I was in New York with Marie for Thanksgiving whether he was still in Brooklyn - the last place I remembered hearing he was. Had hoped for a reunion of random chance in a bar in New York. Not to be. He'd moved to Santa Cruz. He had trouble with alcohol and cocaine. He'd lost job and girlfriend recently. He sat on a bridge for 12hrs. in the rain, then shot himself in the head. He left a note saying - I will no longer be a loser.

I know the feeling.

Got ticket to Salt Lake for the next day to be there for the memorial at a bar with old friends.

Made love that night to Marie. Beautiful, amazing, tender and sweet.

Seeing old friends felt like I'd been gone only five minutes. It had been ten years. Lots of love and old stories. Felt great to be home...

Missed Marie a lot. Thought about our argument nights before and what the fuck she meant for me to take from her statements - that I was nothing more than a concession? - that if I weren't there she'd probably be sleeping with the boy on the job from L.A.

Thought about infidelity and my past relationships. Both wives cheated. I'd thought about it, had opportunities, never followed through. Was cheating inevitable?

Thought about what I told Marie from the beginning - that I loved her, and that she could do what she wanted.

Does the truth lie somewhere between old insecurities of faithfulness and statement of love to Marie?

Marie said she could be faithful to me if that's what I needed, but that she thought infidelity could work if it was open, and not hidden. I don't know what I need. But I know that I don't need unnecessary pain from selfish acts with disregard to love... I've had enough of that.

Thought about not going back to Las Vegas but know I have to finish whatever has been started with Marie, as it is the most amazing, mysterious thing that's happened to me.

Let's just do this.

I will always have a home in Salt Lake City with people who love me. I can always go back if needed.

Marie and I, I believe, have something truly special.

Does truth about infidelity make it okay, or hurt less?

Does truth equal freedom or fear?

Can love conquer all?

Or is it simply crushed by selfishness and desire?

I don't know. But it feels like the only place I could be right now is with Marie.

I'm going to see this thing through no matter what it brings.

I hope she meets me halfway - she's fucking great.

Can we be true?

LOve